No Toilet Paper? Here’s What You Can Use Instead

Run out of toilet paper?

You’re on your last roll. You’ve staked out the grocery store shipments all week with no luck in scoring even a measly four pack. You thought about swiping a roll of toilet paper from your friends house when you visited thinking, “if I hide it under my shirt will they notice?” Or maybe just a little bit from each public restroom in the area. “They wouldn’t miss it, right?”

We are glad you realized those ideas were not the best and are here looking for solutions instead of heading down a path of toilet paper crimes that could lead to nowhere good. Sure, they have toilet paper in prison … but for how long?

The Crazy Coronavirus Toilet Paper Shortage

Justified or not, we are feeling the impacts of the Coronavirus crisis in one of our most delicate spots .. our bums. Everywhere we go … Costco, Walmart, Amazon, Joe’s corner store… there’s not a square to spare. Toilet paper has become a scarce and expensive commodity that is feeling more like a luxury instead of something that we never imagined would not be available to us.

You were so hoping this day would not come. But (sigh) it has, and you are in desperate need of the good stuff, or even the not so good stuff. You need toilet paper alternatives.

So what can you use instead of toilet paper?

We’ve got your covered with practical solutions for every personality type. Here are 9 toilet paper substitutes to help get you through this toilet paper shortage and your (hopefully temporary) new normal of living without toilet paper.

The European

If you have a bidet you can gently blast your a–.. er…bum and minimize the amount of toilet paper required for each sitting. If you don’t have a bidet, improvise with a spray bottle. Not quite as fancy but it’ll get the job done pretty well for #1… #2 might need a combination approach with one of our other suggestions on the list.

The Practical

Take care of business and then rinse off in the shower with some soap and water. If you have a hand held shower attachment you’ll be freshened up in no time.

The Resourceful

Desperate times call for practical and resourceful alternatives. What we would like is the gentle softness of Charmin. What we will settle for is toilet seat covers. Not the softest. But available and in most cases, flushable.

The Splurge

It’s like throwing money down the drain! Literally! Novelty toilet paper was available on amazon when we checked yesterday. You’ll pay a premium for each visit to the commode, but your bottom just might feel it was money well spent.

The Recycler

Still get the newspaper delivered? In a pinch (no pun intended) it will get the job done. Get the newspaper delivered every day? You’re all set! And all those misprinted pieces of copy paper you keep in a neat little stack in your office for scrap paper… thats work too.

Important Note: Please remember that paper products that were not originally designed to be flushed down the toilet, should absolutely not be flushed down the toilet. You don’t need to add plumbing problems to your worries. This includes paper towels, napkins and tissues too.

The Overachiever

You can always make your own toilet tissue by recycling paper from around the house. We won’t go into detail here because it’s a bit of a process. But if you’re up to the challenge you can read about it here. You’re still using old newspapers…but they become so much softer for your bottom!

The Sensitive

Baby wipes. Hypoallergenic, biodegradable, no alcohol and gentle enough for a baby’s bottom. This is another no flushing scenario, even when they say ‘flushable’ we wouldn’t trust them.

The Environmentally Conscious

Good old fashioned cloth. We all have old towels or old clothes that can be used in place of toilet tissue.
It’s a lot lot using cloth diapers. Use. Rinse. Wash. Repeat. Lots of environmentally conscious parents do this every day. Maybe even subscribe to a diaper service!

The Nature Lover

Maple Leaves, plant leaves and corn husks came in handy long ago and people who thrive in nature still make great use of them. Just remember “Leaves of 3, leave them be” because it might be poison ivy or poison oak. You could also start planting lots of lettuce. Lots of varieties are large enough and strong enough for most wiping purposes and will be generally smooth and soft on your bottom.

There you go! Try one or try a combination. And remember that the scarcity of toilet paper in grocery and super stores will not last forever. Joe Raccuia, chief executive of Morcon Tissue told the NY Times it will only be “a matter of weeks, not months.” until the toilet paper stock is replenished and our bathroom breaks will be less stressful and back to regularity.